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Just Like Riding a Bike

Here’s my latest little ditty I created for the writers’ group. The challenge was to write a story about something funny that’s happened to you.

It was a perfect day. Blue skies, mild temperatures, the sound of a soft breeze in the palm trees, and the vibrant scent of orchids—a beautiful Florida afternoon. My parents, sister, and I were enjoying our vacation thoroughly. It would be the last vacation with just the four of us before I got married in a few months. Melissa, my older sister, had been given a free week at a timeshare resort in Orlando and wanted to share it with the rest of the family. …So there we were, relaxing at this large, hilly resort filled with condos.

The property offered lots of activities for its guests. Swimming, tennis, walking trails…and biking, among other things. “Hmm,” Melissa and I mused while deciding how to spend the afternoon. “How about getting a couple of bikes?” she suggested. Sure, why not? I thought. It’ll be fun. We haven’t ridden bikes in years, but how hard could it be? Just like riding a bike, right? I chuckled inwardly at my own wittiness. As we chose our bicycles from a small supply outside the main lobby, I could already picture Melissa and me, gazing at the trees and plants along the bike path, riding gracefully.

There was one problem with that picture: The resort had no bike paths. In reality our ride would meander through the narrow roads of the property, lined with cars in parking spaces next to the three-story buildings. “That’s okay,” I said with a carpe diem attitude.

“You ready? Let’s go.” Melissa was pedaling, and I hurried to mount my bike and follow her. The ride turned out to be just as pleasant and fun as I’d pictured, only with towering buildings instead of towering trees. The wind in my face and hair was refreshing, and it felt good simply to be alive. I took a deep breath and smiled.

Then we gained speed as we headed down a hill. Just then, my eyes suddenly came into sharp focus. Melissa, looking like a Tour de France rider, made a skillful, last-minute right turn onto a side street. She quickly disappeared from sight, assuming I was behind her. I jolted to attention and scrambled to follow, leaning to the right as much as I dared.

Bonk! It was too late. I rebounded on my bike as my front tire ran perpendicular into the front tire of an SUV. I blinked in surprise. …The SUV was expensive. The SUV was running. The SUV was occupied, waiting to turn onto the road we’d been following. Stunned but not hurt, I sat on my bike and stared at two sets of eyes staring back at me, about three feet from my face. The eyes’ owners were a middle-aged man and one who appeared to be the man’s son and about my age. I was speechless and mortified. The car engine’s humming filled the silence.

Finally, the man turned and said something in Italian to his son. The son had an annoyed expression on his face, but he slowly slid from his seat and came around the front of the SUV to me. I was desperate to not look as ridiculous as I felt. Luckily, my shock led me utter brilliance. Shifting into the mindset I’ve had after car fender benders, I blurted to this guy, “Are you okay?” –Like my innocuous bicycle could inflict bodily harm through the armor of a car. I cringed at my words and turned crimson. The Italian son stifled a smile and said nothing. I settled on rolling back a couple of feet, and we looked over the SUV. No damage; the car would live. Unlike my dignity. We all muttered some sort of farewell, and I wheeled toward where I’d last seen my sister.

Seconds later, she glided up to me. “Where have you been?”

Poem-Off: And the winner is…

We have a winner of the first Poem-Off. And that winner is… (trumpet music) David Bryant! Of course, he wrote the epic poem about the bear. Great job! For your efforts, David, you get this picture of a crown (the British monarchy is borrowing it from you for a while) and a batch of brownies.

I will say that he put a lot of effort in this. The story cracks me up, and I’m glad he wrote it. So, if you ever have drunk bear problems, you know now to call on Hasselhoff. Hmmm…maybe he should be the emcee of our next challenge…

Do you want to know who wrote each one? Here’s the list:
Poem 1: Travis W. Inman
Poem 2: Alison
Poem 3: Travis W. Inman
Poem 4: Alison
Poem 5: David Bryant

And I would like to again say thanks to Travis for throwing the gauntlet. I think he knew exactly what he was doing and knew we’d all have fun with it. I really enjoyed his poems, too.

Thanks to you who voted…hope you had a good time.

Iron Poet: Battle Circus

Let the Poem-Off begin!

Listed below you’ll find the entries for the theme, “Circus Surprise.” The theme could be interpreted in any way by the writers.
Some silliness, some seriousness. All are anonymous until the winner is revealed. We did have a couple of cases of more than one entry per person. I made an executive decision to include each entry. Take a gander, then vote using the poll in the left margin. Voting is open until Friday morning. Later that day we’ll crown a new Iron Poet, winner of the Poem Off.

Thank you to each person who submitted an entry. This has been a lot of fun. Who knows? If you all like it, too, maybe we’ll do it again sometime.

Poem 1

To our dismay

The tightrope gave

And sent its bearer plunging

He fell so long

And fell headlong

His awkward legs were fumbling

And as he fell

He did not yell

He met his fate with laughter

For in the net

A second chance

Was granted—which he’ll flaunter.

Poem 2

young boy

smile as bright as a circus spotlight

lighting, brightening the dimmest rooms

…star of the show

star of the show

wows the crowd…master showman, master of ceremonies–

his song not perfect, yet he remained

star of the show

star of the show

exited on time—His time–but left the crowd wanting more

his light was dimmed too soon for the

star of the show

young boy’s young cousin

watches the crowd, hears the master of this odd ceremony

wonders why the smiles have dimmed, for she knows he’s now with the

Star of the show

Poem 3

A magician fluffed his robe and stepped into the ring

He wanted to see if an elephant could sing

And not just sing, but sing as a bird

And if it could, he’d want it heard.

He flicked his wand and produced a smoke

Once inhaled the elephant choked

But when he choked, he began to howl

And not as a monkey, but as an owl

The magician was troubled and flicked again

This time the creature clucked like a hen.

Not only cluck, but it scratched and pecked

And rooted around for a juicy insect

He rolled up his sleeves and tried anew

This time he shot a jet of blue

When it struck, the elephant growled

And as a lion began to prowl

Despite the scowls from the crowd

He lifted his wand and produced a frown

But once he pointed and produced a light

The elephant took off in a terrible fright.

For it had become the only elephant

That could cluck like a hen,

Howl as an owl,

Prowl as a lion,

Sing like a bird

But the magician wanted to logic defy

Instead he produced a circus surprise.

Poem 4

The circus stopped in the next town

Out went the horses, tightropes, clowns

The people came (and none was fickle)

To see the show and crunch on pickles

The red-striped tent was hot and loud

Applause erupted through the crowd

For elephants, tigers, and trapeze

Up so high none dared to sneeze

Yet when a man roared out a tune

Gasps sucked air from the whole room

For the “opera” singer there this time

Was none other than the mime

Poem 5

The circus was in town,
And we couldn’t wait to go,
We packed up all the family,
And we headed to the show.
But our night was very different,
It turned out really queer,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The lion tamer was nervous,
His lion had been rough,
So he opened up a frosty beer
And started to engulf.
Nobody should ever drink,
(That’s something we all know),
He wandered off without his beer
Distracted by his phone.

This bear had a tricky act,
Where he balanced on a ball,
So the bear and his male trainer,
Headed out for the great hall.
The trainer stopped to talk to Sue,
The cute young acrobat,
He didn’t see the beer can,
That the bear was staring at.

The bear reached out his giant paws
And grabbed it in one swipe,
And just that fast, the beer was gone,
Down his big windpipe.
The rest is really frightening,
But you really need to hear,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The trainer did not notice,
The bear was acting strange;
He gaze was still on Sue,
Who was still in visual range.
The bear began to do his act;
But some began to jeer,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The bear was really tipsy,
He couldn’t stay upright
He slipped right off his little ball,
fell like a concrete kite.
Then things went really crazy,
And lots of things were weird,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The bear liked cotton candy,
And he charged the little cart
He stuck his head down in the treat
Which probably wasn’t smart.
His face was blue and sticky,
And the people ran in fear,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

Now the bear with covered eyes,
Ran around with grea

t abandon,
Not seeing where he’s going,
He got stuck inside the cannon.
We all know what cannons do,
No need to say it here,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The cannon fired loudly,
And through the air he flew,
Like any other bear who flies,
A great big howl he blew.
Inside the tent was chaos,
So loud no one could hear,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

He landed on the tightrope,
A bear who’s scared of heights,
He wrapped his legs around the rope,
It was really quite a sight.
The crowd was really worried,
They really were sincere,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The bear’s paws slipped and down he fell,
He was growling all the way.
Bouncing off the safety net,
That net had saved the day.
And once they saw his safe descent,
The crowd with one voice cheered,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

About the bear, the clowns knew not,
And in the ring they flew,
And one clown started cussing;
when he stepped in the bear poo.
Children all around the ring,
Quickly shut their ears,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

The ringmaster fainted,
And The trainer, he ran off.
“I’ll go and stop that crazy bear!”
yelled David Hasselhoff.
He bravely strode into the ring,
While people gasped in fear,
And all because of that one bear
Who drank a can of beer.

David walked up to the bear,
And bonked him on the head,
The bear just fell and landed hard,
He really did look dead.
The circus was so grateful
On That long and fateful night,
Hasselhoff got lifetime passes,
Since he helped them in their plight.

The bear was really fine;
He was surprisingly okay,
He lived for many years,
Performing all the way.
But there is much for us to learn
About more than hosselhoff,
We need to see that bears get drunk
And can even catch a cough.

Well, this story has a moral
Which is really quite austere:
don’t ever leave your bear alone,
or else he’ll find your beer.
Better yet, don’t ever drink;
you’ll never have to hear,
“Hey, you act just like that bear
Who drank a can of beer.”

Calling all submissions…

Good morning…

Friendly reminder: if you plan do battle in the Poem-Off, go ahead a send them to me by midnight tonight. I won’t “cheat,” as I’ve been accused of.
You have my e-mail if you know me already. For those who don’t know where to send them, e-mail them to bloghmmm at yahoo dot com.

Random thoughts

I’d like your opinion…

Please put on your imagination caps and tell me what you think. How do you imagine that someone speaking “Texan” would say, “Let’s hurry up” during a crisis? As in,
“Let’s hurry to the sale at the mall”, or
“Let’s hurry to the burrito shack.” Just wondering.

Now, don’t tell me that you don’t go about your day wondering about this.

The winner gets a brand new, imaginary imagination cap.